Connective Tissue
empty can
lost | me
one moment | searching
sad
the package | the voices
thread | try your wings
we are . . .
Who are you . . . God?
Home
caught
caught in the vortex
of a swirling web
i am paralyzed ...
snagged
unable to move.
invisible spiders
wind their film
about my arms my feet
my mind;
around my thoughts my prayer
my life.
confused and bound
i lie in trance.
the weakness of my humanness
the frailty that is born of me
well up
and snare
my vague attempts
to mount the dock
of reasoning,
to cease the whirling
of the threads.
fumbling and sightless
i cannot unsnarl the lines
immobilized
by gathering winds
i cannot fight.
helplessly i exist
and start to grow so very tired.
empty can
empty feeling
empty can
empty me.
longing missing wanting yearning
finally driven to phone you ... dial ... ring once ...
lose nerve ... hang up quickly
brush teeth
get ready for bed
transfer pain to paper
hug fetch
go to sleep
empty can
can empty.
one moment
Reaching out
to touch a finger
of the One
Who knows me best.
me
me
an unknown quantity,
a bottle with
no label
lying on the shelf
overturned
on my side
the air sucked out,
empty
dusty.
waiting
for someone
to pick me up
and fill me
with a known substance,
something that can be
identified
named;
something with a label
so
i can be known
and put in a special
place.
i can be set
on a shelf
with other bottles.
i can look like
i belong.
lost
where have you gone?
lost in the pages
of my memory
I can't find you.
you were kind loving
gentle warm strong
I remember ....
I was proud
to call you friend .......
my friend.
now ....
it's anger aggression
winning
fighting controlling.
I struggle
to find you.
where have you gone?
where are you going?
do you like who you are?
who you are becoming?
who is this person
who wishes to dominate others?
I thought I knew you.
I didn't,
I don't.
sad
feeling sad ...
steely gray ...
like a piece of used up steel wool
rolled in a ball
and thrown in a dusty corner.
feeling lonely
missing you
feeling sad
missing. feeling.
wondering about you
and what's going on in your head
wondering about you
and what's going on in your head.
grieving
the loss of you
as close to me...
my best friend
leaving me...
going.
going somewhere
going now
going.
too busy too this
too that too you
too enclosed in
too enclosed in in in in in in in in in
to call
me
who needs you
me
who has loved you
me
who had a best friend
me.
alone watching
hurting hoping
letting you choose your road
letting you live your life your way.
now .........tired of
hurting waiting wondering.
tired saddened
slowly packing,
i
too
will soon be going.
going somewhere
going soon
going.
searching
searching
among the stars and thistles
for that one
rare wild flower
that will bloom and flourish
amidst
the everyday smog
and trampling armies.
That one
fragile purple flower
that will rebirth itself
with each new death ...
waiting for
its gaze
to be held
and claimed.
The prairie's dawn,
the painter's brush,
the water coloured breaths
that wish this fragile dream
into existence.
Living testimony
of the tearing need
for completeness.
thread
ALL of our life
hangs
by
a
thread.
One thread
that can be snipped,
cut,
dissolved
at any one minute.
ALL that is in our life
hangs
by
a
thread.
family friends precious ones
health balance stability
peace power happiness…
A thread that hangs precariously in space…
Dangling our priorities
In the face of harmful predators.
Know THIS
And know that…
The thread
and all it holds
is held and sustained by ONE
Who is
So mysterious and absolute
That we shall never comprehend
or appreciate
the reality.
A thread,
the thread,
Your thread.
Be worshipful
For this thread is sacred.
the package
I know you are there God,
I know you surround me,
but it's not how it's been packaged...
You're not in all those books I've read,
You're not in all those rules I learned through the years;
You're not in the church I MUST ATTEND
or not "be saved ..."
You're NOT in all those places, meetings,
ideas and expectations
I spent so much time trying
to attend and live up to,
so that I would find you...
You are much, much greater
than all of that.
You are everywhere.
You are in all that breathes life.
You are in everything I see and hear
that holds beauty.
You exist longer, farther and deeper
than I can ever hope to understand or imagine.
You communicate through
your totally awesome and perfect creation...
the green of the trees,
the sun and wind on the water,
the pastel colours in the sky at sunset.
My eyes search the heavens
and marvel at your unparalleled MYSTERY.
Your unending and unfolding existence.
I have no answers,
I have only torturing questions.
I must throw away the package
I was given so many years ago
so that I can begin
to
listen.
the voices
the voices
speak
to the question...
nothing is a brilliant colour
standing out
against the background
standing on its own.
nothing
is black and white
and boldly leads...
there is only
this question
this journey
this plain grey journey.
there is only
this journey
now.
closings
closings hurt…
they are sad…
sad in our deepest part.
closings can be openings…
the chance for newness and rebirth
they are rooted in the past
but spread their wings into the future.
closings can make us angry
at those who do the closing
they are a struggle
as something dear is wrenched out of our arms.
closings are an inevitable part of life
they create sharp pain
as the birthing process runs its cycle.
closings are loss…
we lose something of the past
that is part of us
who we are.
closings force us into an opening
that allows light,
growth,
air.
closings are like a tearing off
of one of our limbs
they make us bleed
and weep.
closings are wounds
that heal over time…
if we let them.
closings are like the threat
of a long sleep
from which we won't wake up
we are afraid of the future walk
into the unknown.
openings cannot emerge
unencumbered and free
without the sacrificial blessing
of the closing.
try your wings
for the beautiful souls
of all the exiles and outcasts
that are living among us;
for all who are straining to be free
but are kept locked
in invisible chains ...
try your wings
o gentle birds,
and learn to fly.
take flight
and soar
above the world
that is your cage.
take flight
and soar
without the masks
that hide your faces.
let ropes be loosed
that bind your hearts
and keep you helpless
in your nests.
let ropes be loosed
that choke your voices
and still the songs
which in you sing.
o try your wings
my gentle birds,
and spread your feathers
in the sun,
unveil your colours
dipped in love.
take flight
and let your beauty flow,
and paint your souls
upon the skies.
we are . . .
we are
the refugees ...
who move by night
and hide by day
outcasts.
fleeing
by moonlight
hiding
in shadows
evading
enemy eyes
escaping
anonymous gunfire
frantic bleeding
frightened torn.
snagged
in barbed wire
accosted
by
footsteps
bitten
by humankind
assailed
by
brothers
mocked
by
sisters
tormented weeping trembling
lost.
we are
the refugees ...
who move by night ...
and hide by day ...
Who are you ... God?
You are the wind
in my face,
blowing against my cheek
when i question,
whispering life in my ear.
quiet
at first ...
waiting for me to break the silence,
listening to my thoughts, my wails,
my ramblings;
watching me tread the waters
of doubt, despair, confusion.
waiting for me ...
to want you,
to need you,
to miss you,
wondering ...
how long i will take
to wade through my
thick
dark
swamps.
quiet
at first ...
then ...
rushing
rushing through the door
searching out my face
and blowing
blowing against my
cheek,
blowing life into my
heart,
telling me you ... are.
telling me,
you are wind.
