barefoot
hot steamy
mud
squishing up
between her toes
more oozing
with
each step.
that's how her
death was...
fresh.
her death...
it was his
death,
really.
he had died...
months ago
but
it still felt like
her death,
her own.
she couldn't
distinguish...
she couldn't
outrun the pain
that pursued,
the shadows that cornered
and strangled.
she couldn't
distinguish
anymore
between his
death and hers.
it was
so fresh.
this mud,
this death
that kept on
oozing
between her toes.
friends
do you think
we could be friends???
i haven't had a friend
for such a long time...
my friend's been gone
for such a long time...
i want someone
to care about,
talk, listen,
laugh, cry...
someone i can be myself with,
someone who will understand
the crazy conflicts
inside of me.
a deep friend
mutually vulnerable.
i want someone
to take a risk
in knowing me,
accepting
me
for
who
i
am
but i'm afraid...
would you be afraid of me???
i'm afraid of you...
of...
getting too close,
making you sad,
not giving enough,
messing my mind,
losing
everything.
i'm afraid
i'll never have a friend,
again.
it is ... a gift.
tearing
tearing you off
from me
a strip of paper
torn in half
jagged
bleeding.
my sleeve is drenched
in bright red
blood.
can you hear the tearing?
secret
world
i dream
about
you
at night
in my secret
world
and
you still
want me
you still
want me.
no one can touch
us there
no one can
spoil
the unfolding.
i see you
i am with you...
smell
the
sweet
familiar fragrance
of your hair
bury
my face
and breathe
you in.
i act out my
fantasy
i act out the
scenes
i miss.
you are alive
at night
a willing partner
in the dance
a willing partner
in my secret world.
no worry
no fears
about
wounds
wars tears.
i don't have to hide
or be
hidden
i don't have
to camouflage
my actions
or desires.
i just dream
alone
in my secret
world.
stolen
you
stole
into
my house
(my
safe place)
under
the cover
of night
and
stepped on
my soul.
you
stole
into my
house,
my safe place,
my home,
under the
cover of night,
of silence,
of trust,
using your key
my key our key
and stepped
on my soul.
violating
shattering
assaulting
my peace.
you slammed
at
my
soul.
claire
is missing
excuse me ...
hello there ...
clare
is missing ...
have you seen her?
i haven't
been able to find her.
if you
catch a glimpse of her
in the mirror,
as you pass,
please ...
tell her i called.
i haven't
been able to find her.
excuse me ...
hello there ...
claire is missing ...
have you seen her?
i haven't been able to find her.
if you catch a glimpse of her
in the mirror,
as you pass ...
blue
sweater person
AIDS ...
the great killer
I'd heard about IT...
lots...and now...
I've seen it first
hand
up close.
It didn't look like
AIDS
whatever that is
whatever I supposed it would be.
It looked
like
a person hurting deeply,
a human being in pain
twisted with turmoil,
a person needing human touch,
a person
needing
a person.
I'm afraid of AIDS
I don't want to die
...not yet...
but
neither does he...
James
this person
this young man
this human being wracked with fear
and unreadiness for death.
this blue sweater person
broken down
by scares and tears
human hail and sleet,
headless demons that pawed and snarled,
I never saw someone IN ISOLATION
QUARANTINED
until today...
societal bans in effect
insidious silent invisible bars
that walled his person
that walled his soul.
I could
smell the ropes
taste the anguish
hear the muffled screaming
feel the cage.
standing beside AIDS
standing beside James
feeling afraid
I touched his arm
I drew him close
I pored myself
out
wanting to cover all of him
in soothing healing ointment
wanting
to reach his well
and release the bird
that is his flight
to earthly freedom.
I saw it today
first hand
up close
a man dying
from that great KILLER...
us.
hole
in my heart
i cannot forgive
you
i cannot forgive
myself.
you tore a hole
in my heart
that will never
heal.
you tore the hole
so big
and gaping
that i am falling through it,
i am
dangling on the edge
with no one to catch me.
i loved
love
you
with a love so deep
you could never understand.
i now agonize
without you
with a pain and sorrow
so deep
you will never understand or know.
you chose to die
(or death chose you)
and in so doing
chose my death too,
only
i live on
to think about
you
every day
and wonder why ...
to think about
you
every day
and not forgive
myself or you
for leaving me.
i live on
in misery
a piece of me
stolen.
a piece
of my heart
now rests
with you.
Paradise
Found
nothing matters here
Nothing...
except...
the hot sun pouring
itself
upon my skin,
inebriating every
pour
from the outside in;
the ocean
pounding out
its ancient dance;
washing massaging caressing
with every breath
of every wave.
the beach
my endless bed
to walk or sit or lie upon
and blue, blue sky
to smile and gaze
in awe full wonder.
nothing matters here
Nothing.
pinned
struggling
to find relief
for i am pinned
unfree.
memories
tiptoe around corners
and
creep up on me
and
stand in my face.
others lurk in the
shadows
then
rush at me
and
knock me down.
leaving me alone
to
pick myself up and
stumble on.
i am pinned
within
this body
this inflexible
uncooperative cocoon
that
hides
my thoughts
and silences my desires.
yesterday's
year
yesterday's year
has passed
(past)
and gone ...
dragging
pieces of me
with it.
as a loud
menacing snow shovel
scrapes all the deformed chunks
of snow and life and
deposits them at the side of the road
and then moves on.
webs of experience
and memory.
they slowly melt
into a sea of fading dreams
and dirty water,
d r a i n i n g
toward the rushing
sewer
that carries off
yesterday's year
into the tunnels
of things forgotten.
tomorrow's year
is just commencing
with each new flake of shared existence.
just
a man
Jesus is lost
I can't find him.
he's not in my days, my dreams,
my prayer.
I try to remember
where
I left him
but...
the screen is blank
I'm stuck on pause.
I try to replay old
stories
memories
but the figures are paper,
the edges curl.
I read the Bible,
but,
he's just a man
some man
no one I know
no one I even want to know.
I thought I knew him
for awhile
I thought I had tasted
an intimate knowledge
the wine of the heart
but, it's all erased.
the information
the information slowly seeped
like darkened blood on a crusty wound...
from exiled souls
abused by life,
crucified by governments
that justify raw violence.
school children,
parents' children,
between the ages of eight and twelve,
arrested.
some resisted
severely beaten,
some resisted
immediately killed.
others flung
into backs of trucks,
slammed with rifle butts,
whips and sticks with nails protruding...
many died...
some from wounds,
some crushed alive.
arriving
at prison
guards hurled stones,
more died.
children, children,
crammedincells
overpowering heat
no air no water no food
more died by dawn.
but...
more arrived
to fill the cells
and
some tortured
some shot,
some tangled in
cruel abortions
by human hands...
hands that keep our countries safe,
hands that want the peoples' good.
amazingly...
some survived and were released,
afflicted voices lisping pain.
among them
a child,
a boy of twelve,
paralytic eyes
throbbing gait,
whose parents had been seeking him,
whose parents had been seeking him.
some said they saw
his torture marks,
the nail imprints
upon his limbs...
his mother kneel to kiss his sores.
the information slowly seeped
like darkened blood on a crusty wound...
the
prisoner
i wait upon you.
the door
has been closed so long
too long;
the wind
is blowing,
i hear it...
i feel the door moving with my face
creaking
shifting ... resisting.
i wait
upon you.
carve
your name.
speak through
the groaning
inside me
carve
your name.
shatter
this wall
of unbelief.
burst
the shell
of skeptism
which enclosesmymind,
this
thin
tight membrane
which
strangles
which
keeps me prisoner,
ruling my thoughts
dimming my perceptions
my vision
keeping me captive.
i cannot
change my heart.
i cannot
open the door.
i cannot
make myself
believe.
i wait upon
the ONE
who created me.
i await
release
for i am
imprisoned
shackled
and have no
key.
i wait.
tearing
tearing you off
from me
a strip of paper
torn in half
jagged
bleeding.
my sleeve
is drenched
in bright red
blood.
can you hear the tearing?
the
tongue of God
the
tongue of God
licks
my face
like a mother cat,
washing me
cleansing me
preparing me.
the tongue of
God
licks
my heels
with liquid flames,
chasing me
burning me
engulfing me.
the tongue of
God
kisses
my mouth
and
frees
my heart.
secret
world
i dream
about
you
at night
in my secret
world
and
you still
want me
you still
want me.
no one can touch
us there
no one can
spoil
the unfolding.
i see you
i am with you...
smell
the
sweet
familiar fragrance
of your hair
bury
my face
and breathe
you in.
i act out my
fantasy
i act out the
scenes
i miss.
you are alive
at night
a willing partner
in the dance
a willing partner
in my secret world.
no worry
no fears
about
wounds
wars tears.
i don't have to hide
or be
hidden
i don't have
to camouflage
my actions
or desires.
