Fragile Crystals
blue sweater person
claire is missing | fresh
friends | hole in my heart
just a man | paradise found
pinned | secret world | stolen
tearing | the information
the prisoner | tongue of God
yesterday's year || Home
fresh
barefoot
hot steamy mud
squishing up between her toes
more oozing
with each step.
that's how her death was...
fresh.
her death...
it was his death,
really.
he had died...
months ago
but it still felt like
her death,
her own.
she couldn't distinguish...
she couldn't outrun the pain
that pursued,
the shadows that cornered
and strangled.
she couldn't distinguish
anymore
between his death and hers.
it was so fresh.
this mud,
this death
that kept on oozing
between her toes.
friends
do you think
we could be friends???
i haven't had a friend
for such a long time...
my friend's been gone
for such a long time...
i want someone
to care about,
talk, listen,
laugh, cry...
someone i can be myself with,
someone who will understand
the crazy conflicts
inside of me.
a deep friend
mutually vulnerable.
i want someone
to take a risk
in knowing me,
accepting me
for
who
i
am
but i'm afraid...
would you be afraid of me???
i'm afraid of you...
of...
getting too close,
making you sad,
not giving enough,
messing my mind,
losing
everything.
i'm afraid
i'll never have a friend,
again.
it is ... a gift.
tearing
tearing you off
from me
a strip of paper
torn in half
jagged
bleeding.
my sleeve is drenched
in bright red
blood.
can you hear the tearing?
secret world
i dream about
you
at night
in my secret world
and
you still want me
you still want me.
no one can touch us there
no one can spoil
the unfolding.
i see you
i am with you...
smell the
sweet familiar fragrance
of your hair
bury my face
and breathe you in.
i act out my fantasy
i act out the scenes
i miss.
you are alive at night
a willing partner
in the dance
a willing partner
in my secret world.
no worry no fears
about
wounds wars tears.
i don't have to hide
or be hidden
i don't have to camouflage
my actions
or desires.
i just dream
alone
in my secret world.
stolen
you stole
into my house
(my safe place)
under the cover
of night
and
stepped on
my soul.
you stole
into my house,
my safe place,
my home,
under the cover of night,
of silence,
of trust,
using your key
my key our key
and stepped on my soul.
violating
shattering
assaulting
my peace.
you slammed
at
my
soul.
claire is missing
excuse me ... hello there ...
clare is missing ...
have you seen her?
i haven't been able to find her.
if you catch a glimpse of her
in the mirror,
as you pass,
please ...
tell her i called.
i haven't been able to find her.
excuse me ... hello there ...
claire is missing ...
have you seen her?
i haven't been able to find her.
if you catch a glimpse of her
in the mirror,
as you pass ...
blue sweater person
AIDS ...
the great killer
I'd heard about IT... lots...and now...
I've seen it first hand
up close.
It didn't look like AIDS
whatever that is
whatever I supposed it would be.
It looked
like
a person hurting deeply,
a human being in pain
twisted with turmoil,
a person needing human touch,
a person
needing
a person.
I'm afraid of AIDS
I don't want to die
...not yet...
but
neither does he...
James
this person
this young man
this human being wracked with fear
and unreadiness for death.
this blue sweater person
broken down
by scares and tears
human hail and sleet,
headless demons that pawed and
snarled,
I never saw someone IN ISOLATION
QUARANTINED
until today...
societal bans in effect
insidious silent invisible bars
that walled his person
that walled his soul.
I could smell the ropes
taste the anguish
hear the muffled screaming
feel the cage.
standing beside AIDS
standing beside James
feeling afraid
I touched his arm
I drew him close
I pored myself
out
wanting to cover all of him
in soothing healing ointment
wanting
to reach his well
and release the bird
that is his flight
to earthly freedom.
I saw it today
first hand
up close
a man dying
from that great KILLER...
us.
hole in my heart
i cannot forgive
you
i cannot forgive
myself.
you tore a hole
in my heart
that will never
heal.
you tore the hole
so big
and gaping
that i am falling through it,
i am dangling on the edge
with no one to catch me.
i loved
love
you
with a love so deep
you could never understand.
i now agonize
without you
with a pain and sorrow
so deep
you will never understand or know.
you chose to die
(or death chose you)
and in so doing
chose my death too,
only
i live on
to think about you
every day
and wonder why ...
to think about you
every day
and not forgive
myself or you
for leaving me.
i live on
in misery
a piece of me
stolen.
a piece of my heart
now rests
with you.
Paradise Found
nothing matters here
Nothing...
except...
the hot sun pouring itself
upon my skin,
inebriating every pour
from the outside in;
the ocean pounding out
its ancient dance;
washing massaging caressing
with every breath
of every wave.
the beach
my endless bed
to walk or sit or lie upon
and blue, blue sky
to smile and gaze
in awe full wonder.
nothing matters here
Nothing.
pinned
struggling
to find relief
for i am pinned
unfree.
memories tiptoe around corners
and
creep up on me
and
stand in my face.
others lurk in the shadows
then
rush at me
and
knock me down.
leaving me alone
to
pick myself up and stumble on.
i am pinned
within
this body
this inflexible
uncooperative cocoon
that
hides my thoughts
and silences my desires.
yesterday's year
yesterday's year
has passed
(past)
and gone ...
dragging
pieces of me
with it.
as a loud menacing snow shovel
scrapes all the deformed chunks
of snow and life and
deposits them at the side of the road
and then moves on.
webs of experience
and memory.
they slowly melt
into a sea of fading dreams
and dirty water,
d r a i n i n g
toward the rushing sewer
that carries off
yesterday's year
into the tunnels
of things forgotten.
tomorrow's year
is just commencing
with each new flake of shared existence.
just a man
Jesus is lost
I can't find him.
he's not in my days, my dreams,
my prayer.
I try to remember
where I left him
but...
the screen is blank
I'm stuck on pause.
I try to replay old stories
memories
but the figures are paper,
the edges curl.
I read the Bible,
but,
he's just a man
some man
no one I know
no one I even want to know.
I thought I knew him
for awhile
I thought I had tasted
an intimate knowledge
the wine of the heart
but, it's all erased.
the information
the information slowly seeped
like darkened blood on a crusty wound...
from exiled souls
abused by life,
crucified by governments
that justify raw violence.
school children,
parents' children,
between the ages of eight and twelve,
arrested.
some resisted
severely beaten,
some resisted
immediately killed.
others flung
into backs of trucks,
slammed with rifle butts,
whips and sticks with nails protruding...
many died...
some from wounds,
some crushed alive.
arriving
at prison
guards hurled stones,
more died.
children, children,
crammed in cells
overpowering heat
no air no water no food
more died by dawn.
but... more arrived
to fill the cells
and
some tortured
some shot,
some tangled in
cruel abortions
by human hands...
hands that keep our countries safe,
hands that want the peoples' good.
amazingly...
some survived and were released,
afflicted voices lisping pain.
among them
a child,
a boy of twelve,
paralytic eyes
throbbing gait,
whose parents had been seeking him,
whose parents had been seeking him.
some said they saw
his torture marks,
the nail imprints
upon his limbs...
his mother kneel to kiss his sores.
the information slowly seeped
like darkened blood on a crusty wound...
the prisoner
i wait upon you.
the door has been closed so long
too long;
the wind is blowing,
i hear it...
i feel the door moving with my face
creaking
shifting ... resisting.
i wait upon you.
carve your name.
speak through the groaning
inside me
carve your name.
shatter this wall
of unbelief.
burst the shell
of skeptism
which encloses my mind,
this thin
tight membrane
which
strangles
which keeps me prisoner,
ruling my thoughts
dimming my perceptions
my vision
keeping me captive.
i cannot change my heart.
i cannot open the door.
i cannot make myself
believe.
i wait upon
the ONE
who created me.
i await release
for i am
imprisoned
shackled
and have no
key.
i wait.
the tongue of God
the tongue of God
licks my face
like a mother cat,
washing me cleansing me
preparing me.
the tongue of God
licks my heels
with liquid flames,
chasing me burning me
engulfing me.
the tongue of God
kisses my mouth
and
frees
my heart.
