broken trust
cancel  my  subscription
children, gentle, in the twilight
dee double
dirty diaper
for C
 

head banger
hourglass
i never told you

longing to
one thousand eyes
swarmed

ten million
the dream is fucked
waiting

wanting you
watching

  children, gentle, in the twilight
    playing in the misty snow;
  i can see them
  i can't hear them
   heads like bobbing apples glow.

  fire tickles me to slumber
    heeding not my watchful eye,
  suits are dark against the background
    movements slackened by their load.

  little feet and tender bodies
    roll about the trampled snow,
  banks have gathered angel outlines
     dusty tresses far below.

  children, gentle, in the twilight
    harsh against the growing pale,
  eager faces, small boy graces
    calm the evening's slow repose.

 i wanted to send
  you
 the poems i've written
 since
  the first day.

 but
  there are only
    a few
   (or eight)
    on paper.

 the rest
  the ten million
  are lingering wisps
     floating  tossing
  invisible to most.

  light trails of memory
      etched through time
   striking cadences
   playing tag
  camouflaged
   by windless breezes.

 I wanted to send
  you
 the poems i've written
 but
  i didn't want
  to interrupt
   your life
  or
  seem
  ungrateful
 for the MOMENT we shared
  by sending
   eight poems...

 When there's
   really
   so many
      more.

    dee  double  dare
    dee double  hurt

     two  at  once
      gone

     but

                         ican'tletgo
butican'tletgo  butican'tletgo    butican'tletgo

     deep freeze

 you are deep freeze  big  deep  freeze.

    no words
     s  u  r  f  a  c  e .

      the pain
      the anger
     the subliminal ache

       stalks.

     too cold
      to cry
     too frozen
      to speak

    just chunks of ice
        to bang my head.

    the dream is fucked
    the wheels are broken
   everytime
    i try to ride or steer
     the handle
      drags.

   paint's chipped
    metal's rusted
    axle's twisted

   noone wants to push my wagon
     anymore
   the crowd has all gone home.

    this dream is fucked
    the prince won't play his part... 
   even
    the stand-in
   doesn't know his lines.

   it's opening night
       and
   only i am dressed
   it's opening night
       and
   the cast are still rehearsing
   ...last tear's rag.

   noone wants to share my wagon
     anymore
   the crowd has all gone home.

   my dream is fucked
    one hand is clapping
     senselessly
    against the wind,
    one hand is searching
     frantically
      inside the jar.
   one hand no face one hand
    the cookie's eaten.

   noone wants to pull my wagon
     anymore
   the crowd has all
      gone
       home.

   noone wants to
     anymore
    they've all gone  home.

    zeroing
      in on me
     like a heat sensitive missile
        i receive
      your aura.

     alone
    in a crowd
    you descend upon me
     flooding
      my senses
     with tactile images.

    prodding
      my thoughts
     swarmed
      by your scent
    i am forced
      to
     settle on you.

  forfeited
           like a baseball game.
 

   i  search my mind for remnants
    of a better time

   ......  was there a better time .....?

    i fear it's illusion.

     i reach back to
      a misread poem
      a missing page
      a flurry in the wind ...

       ....  a part i thought
         was there

         but wasn't.

  please
 cancel my subscription .....

    no more letters
    no more soiled packages
     no more damaged goods.

 return to sender .....

    the postage is inadequate
    the address is ruined
    the occupant has moved.

    cancel my subscription .....
         i'm tired of waiting,
       i'm tired
      of trying to guess
               why i receive no mail.

       i'm tired
      of blaming myself
               for interrupted service.

       i'm tired
      of trying to deliver
               to someone who has moved.

       i'm tired
      of banging on the door,
               when no one wants to answer.

             i'm  really  tired.
             muchtoomuch
          time has been spent

      writingwonderingguessingpraying
                    missinghurting
   ..... being chased and bitten by pursuing dogs.

   i'm ready to terminate readership
           so
      without delay

    please ............ cancel my subscription.
 

waiting

                          here ....
                            waiting
                            knowing you will come
                            sooner  or  later
                            hoping  it  will  be  sooner
                            yet  knowing  it  will  be.

                         waiting ....
                            expecting
                            knowing you will drive
                                    the night roads
                            to lie down beside me
                            to have my body close to yours
                            to have our bodies
                          fit together in sleep ....
                                    to  be  home.

                          waiting ....
                            anticipating
                            your body
                                    so soft    so warm
                                    so strong and welcoming
                            ....so wanting mine.

                  and then  ....   me
                          lying against your arm
                            cradled,  protected,  content
                          my face
                            half on your chest
                            half on your shoulder
                                  leg wound around yours
                                  hand resting on your side
                          free to caress
                                          your face
                                            your arm
                                              your hair
                          the sheet pulled up around us
                          the blanket kicked onto the floor
                                  our positions taken.

                            the night light shining
                          allowing me to see your face
                                  your face
                          the face i love
                  and you saying .... turn the light out
                 and me saying .... soon ....
                            me    just wanting to look at your face

                          a bit longer     a minute longer
                            me    just wanting to imprint this moment
                          of you in my memory
                           me    just wanting to emboss your face
                                             on my heart.

                  and then ....
                              the light is out
                            and we are
                          tasting the experience
                                    of shared sleep
                            woven together by dreams and desire
                            woven together by entangled limbs.

                          here ....
                            waiting
                            knowing you will come
                            sooner  or  later
                            hoping  it  will  be  sooner
                            yet  knowing  it  will  be.

                          waiting ....
                            expecting
                            knowing you will drive
                          the night roads
                            to lie down beside me
                            to have my body touching yours.

                          waiting ....
                            anticipating you
                            knowing i am happiest
                          when lying beside you
                          my face
                            half on your chest
                            half on your shoulder.
 

---

one thousand eyes

 
  why do you ask me
   when
   i do not know.

  why do you taunt me
   when
    i am confused.
 

   your questions swarm
    close to my face,
   disturbance throngs
    inside my flesh,

   my tongue is thick
   i am struck dumb.

  the hornets want to sting my eyes ...
  i try to keep the drones at bay.
 

    one thousand eyes
     are watching me
   watching me watching you
   waiting for you to speak
       to
          me
    to tell me everything.
(whatisitlike howdoesitfeel
                isitsogood isitthebest?)

     i am consumed
    i want to know your every thing.

   instead  i wait
       so carefully ......
  each word i speak
   is metered out
   scrupulously weighed pondered
    afraid ...
     afraid to give the wrong idea
     afraid to wrong
   when i don't know
               what right is ... any  more ...

  sensing  perceiving
   new darkness being born in   me
  a growing limb which reaches out
  and tries to choke my sanity

  this growing limb
   which starts to strangle ...
 

    one thousand eyes
     i want to leave
   the hornets sting my outer shell
   i want to hide my
       inner me

   i don't know who these voices are
    that tear me  here
    that tear me
       here.
 

  why do you ask me
   when
    i do not know.

  why do you taunt me
   when

                      i can't respond.

---

broken trust

 
   you who i trusted
   you who i believed
                         was tame

   (you
    nice guy
         no more)

   you who boils below the surface
   ready to spill onto my skin
   and peel off
     the first layer
    piece by piece
   raw tissue by raw tissue.

    bite my flesh

   you hungry dog
   you savage beast

   you  roam
            in search
                  of bone.

---

longing to

     longing to touch you,
                             i am.

      the attraction ........
       your skin
       your warmth
       your smile.

     i look into your eyes
      and know ...
     longing to touch me,
       you are.

     i see myself reflected in you
       and i like it.
       i want to experience
            us,   together...

     but,   my world   my prison,
      demands a different tune.
     erected barriers remain strong,
       intact     dividing us .........

     friendsfamilyassociatesstrangers,
       mindless blurs amidst the fog .......

      they won't accept
       our eyes meeting,
       our souls dancing,
      my heart holding you
         in joyful abandon.

      so that ....
       longing to touch you

         i silently remain.
 

---

i never told you

  i haven't told you yet
   how i felt that night
  that night we went out to the show
    and held hands and ate popcorn
    and held hands
  and came home   after

  and everything seemed so ... good and proper
        and orderly ...

  and we shared a glass of wine
  and listened to The Traveller on the stereo
  and i felt happy, content
   sitting beside you on the couch

    ... and  we  began  to  kiss ...

   and your hands began to move
    and i let them,
   thinking it felt good to be carressed
    on my arms
       my shoulders
       my back
   and yes,   even my breasts.

  i felt this was a liberty taken
   yet freely given   because
    everything seemed so  good  and  proper  and  orderly

      and then

      and then

   your body begins to move
      hard and fast
  pushing against me like a steam roller on fresh blacktop
    your lips  the kisses
    becoming a bad blur on a rainy windshield
   and your hands becoming frantic
   grabbing  grasping  tearing  clutching
     at my clothing  my black nylons
        my vulnerability

    and i begin to suffocate
   the plastic firm against my face
   and i begin to scream inside ...

       No  No  this is not in the plan

     this is not what i want

   This does not feel good to me.

           but  i remain    voiceless
           silent
           a shadow
    withdrawing
    retreating into myself
    into that safe place
     where noone can hurt me
    retreating into that safe place
   where i cannot be touched or known ...

  and i continue    fighting you off
      guiding your hands
   back to my sanctioned territories
   back to my permitted regions

    and still the hands take off again
    like crazed machines
   me  unable to contain them
    pulling  lifting  shoving  stealing

   seeking flesh    seeking conquest

     seeking me.

   and the screaming fills my head
  and begins  to saturate every cell every fibre ...

   No.  No.   Why don't you stop?

   Don't you know i'm not enjoying this?

   I'm hating it!    This horrible assault!

   I'm hating it!  I'm hating ... you.

  and the incessant screaming
   finally births a word
     out of my deepest well
    my deepest desire for self protection
   and the word is no.

   and it is No No No NO.
  but said like " no".

    and you pause
     you  actually  stop

   like a hungry dog in the midst of chewing a bone
   distracted by a noise nearby
    you pricked your ears
      raised your head
     surveyed the scene
   and continued ravenously on.

   growling  gnawing  panting  pawing

  pushing  touching  pushing  grabbing  pushing  pulling
        pushing  me.

   you saying  "i  want to,   too"
   and me ... quietly  saying  "no"
   and me not so quietly  dying inside
     filling up with more scream

   and me crying to the voices within my head

    why doesn't he know that
    no means no?

    i said no.
    i meant no.
        why does he hear   yes?

   and me
      exhausted    violated
      so unable to understand
      so unable to comprehend
     the essence of this unleashed beast
      so unable to assert.

   and me
      trespassed against
    with territories    no longer private
            no longer  secluded

   and me
     finally
    crawling  across  the  ring
      amidst final blows
    well-placed punches and tears
     crawling between the ropes and out
      into my corner

     finally  i stand
      beaten,
       bleeding from the outside in
    i stand and say " no more".

    i stand  and  say  "goodnight"
   so calmly   so evenly  so  well.

    laughing  smiling  joking
   hiding everything behind this mask.
     angry at myself for being myself
     furious at you  despising you
   for hearing your own yeses above my spoken no's.
 

   i never told you how i felt
    that night
     that  second date
   that night we went to the show
  and only ate   that half a bag of popcorn ...

   Days later you referred to that night
    as being so good.

   And I paused and i wondered
     and i pause and i wonder ...

    are we on the same planet?

---

dirty diaper

                  disposable throw away me
                      i thought i was immune
                         to the pattern,

    i really believed i was
       indisposable to you,

    i never thought that
     you would throw me away ....
           too.

    i watched you
     observed you
      toss others aside,
      dispose of them   quickly,
         coldly,
       cut them off .........

    and i tried to understand
         to take your side
     not
      to judge you,

    because       i loved you
     i thought i knew your true heart.

    and now ....
           it's my turn.
   i never even considered that one day
    it would be my turn ....
    that my  TIME  would come
        like all the others.

   i can't believe my naiveté
         my stupidity
       my blindness.
   for some senseless reason
     i thought i was special.

      somehow .....above it.

               and now
                    here i am,
  disposed of
       thrown away...
          like a fucking dirty diaper.

---

hourglass

     waiting ...

    i am a prisoner
      of silence.
    the hourglass
      has not yet emptied.

     waiting ...

           angry,
    the bell must sound
      to end this round,
        to pick you up
      from the threshing floor
          pieces of you
   battered    bruised    torn.

     waiting ...

    to wash off the blood
    dress the wounds
    hold you close
    take you home.

     waiting ...

      for you to heal.

---

wanting you

    wanting  you
      beside  me
   every  hour
   every  minute
     every second.

      reaching  to  touch  you
     and bring your body close.

   having  my  arms
      around  your  shoulders,
      your  waist,
    pulling  you  toward  me,
     drawing  your  face
       against  mine...

   feeling  the  warmth  of  your  cheek,
          your  soft,  soft  skin.

     holding  your  head  gently
      in  my  hand,
       carressing  your  hair
     with  my  fingers,
        stroking  you ...

     breathing
       your fragrance,
    filling  up  with    you,
    dreaming  in  the  moment.

     drinking,
     tasting  your  skin,
       kissing,  licking,
      your ears     your  neck,

   wanting   to   eat   all   of   you...
   to   have   you   inside   me
     all   the   time.

   wanting   this   encounter
    to   be   timeless
        eternal
          non-ending.
 wanting you wanting you wanting you.
 

---

watching

i watched for you today
on the patio with my friends,
at the picnic tables
     the basic brown picnic tables,
covered in beer and fries and beer.

i watched for you
but you never came.

i thought you might
walk by or drive or bike
home from work.

  the sun was out
  the sky was blue
 everyone was so happy...

  i should have been happy
  but
  i was watching for you

  a piece was missing.

and so we got up and
left the tables on the patio
 and i got up and left
     the basic brown tables on the patio.

i walked
 out on the sidewalk
 and checked the empty street.

   you are too
    deep a seal
     to share.