Precious Remnants
for C | head hanger | hourglass | i never told you | longing to
one thousand eyes | swarmed | ten million | the dream is fucked
waiting | wanting you | watching || Home
ten million
i wanted to send
you
the poems i've written
since
the first day.
but
there are only
a few
(or eight)
on paper.
the rest
the ten million
are lingering wisps
floating tossing
invisible to most.
light trails of memory
etched through time
striking cadences
playing tag
camouflaged
by windless breezes.
I wanted to send
you
the poems i've written
but
i didn't want
to interrupt
your life
or
seem
ungrateful
for the MOMENT we shared
by sending
eight poems...
When there's
really
so many
more.
dee double
dee double dare
dee double hurt
two at once
gone
but
ican'tletgo
butican'tletgo butican'tletgo butican'tletgo
head hanger
deep freeze
you are deep freeze big deep freeze.
no words
s u r f a c e .
the pain
the anger
the subliminal ache
stalks.
too cold
to cry
too frozen
to speak
just chunks of ice
to bang my head.
the dream is fucked
the dream is fucked
the wheels are broken
everytime
i try to ride or steer
the handle
drags.
paint's chipped
metal's rusted
axle's twisted
noone wants to push my wagon
anymore
the crowd has all gone home.
this dream is fucked
the prince won't play his part...
even
the stand-in
doesn't know his lines.
it's opening night
and
only i am dressed
it's opening night
and
the cast are still rehearsing
...last tear's rag.
noone wants to share my wagon
anymore
the crowd has all gone home.
my dream is fucked
one hand is clapping
senselessly
against the wind,
one hand is searching
frantically
inside the jar.
one hand no face one hand
the cookie's eaten.
noone wants to pull my wagon
anymore
the crowd has all
gone
home.
noone wants to
anymore
they've all gone home.
swarmed
zeroing
in on me
like a heat sensitive missile
i receive
your aura.
alone
in a crowd
you descend upon me
flooding
my senses
with tactile images.
prodding
my thoughts
swarmed
by your scent
i am forced
to
settle on you.
for C
forfeited
like a baseball game.
i search my mind for remnants
of a better time
...... was there a better time .....?
i fear it's illusion.
i reach back to
a misread poem
a missing page
a flurry in the wind ...
.... a part i thought
was there
but wasn't.
cancel my subscription
please
cancel my subscription .....
no more letters
no more soiled packages
no more damaged goods.
return to sender .....
the postage is inadequate
the address is ruined
the occupant has moved.
cancel my subscription .....
i'm tired of waiting,
i'm tired
of trying to guess
why i receive no mail.
i'm tired
of blaming myself
for interrupted service.
i'm tired
of trying to deliver
to someone who has moved.
i'm tired
of banging on the door,
when no one wants to answer.
i'm really tired.
muchtoomuch
time has been spent
writingwonderingguessingpraying
missinghurting
..... being chased and bitten by pursuing dogs.
i'm ready to terminate readership
so
without delay
please ............ cancel my subscription.
waiting
here ....
waiting
knowing you will come
sooner or later
hoping it will be sooner
yet knowing it will be.
waiting ....
expecting
knowing you will drive
the night roads
to lie down beside me
to have my body close to yours
to have our bodies
fit together in sleep ....
to be home.
waiting ....
anticipating
your body
so soft so warm
so strong and welcoming
....so wanting mine.
and then .... me
lying against your arm
cradled, protected, content
my face
half on your chest
half on your shoulder
leg wound around yours
hand resting on your side
free to caress
your face
your arm
your hair
the sheet pulled up around us
the blanket kicked onto the floor
our positions taken.
the night light shining
allowing me to see your face
your face
the face i love
and you saying .... turn the light out
and me saying .... soon ....
me just wanting to look at your
face
a bit longer a minute longer
me just wanting to imprint this
moment
of you in my memory
me just wanting to emboss your face
on my heart.
and then ....
the light is out
and we are
tasting the experience
of shared sleep
woven together by dreams and desire
woven together by entangled limbs.
here ....
waiting
knowing you will come
sooner or later
hoping it will be sooner
yet knowing it will be.
waiting ....
expecting
knowing you will drive
the night roads
to lie down beside me
to have my body touching yours.
waiting ....
anticipating you
knowing i am happiest
when lying beside you
my face
half on your chest
half on your shoulder.
one thousand eyes
why do you ask me
when
i do not know.
why do you taunt me
when
i am confused.
your questions swarm
close to my face,
disturbance throngs
inside my flesh,
my tongue is thick
i am struck dumb.
the hornets want to sting my eyes ...
i try to keep the drones at bay.
one thousand eyes
are watching me
watching me watching you
waiting for you to speak
to
me
to tell me everything.
(whatisitlike howdoesitfeel
isitsogood isitthebest?)
i am consumed
i want to know your every thing.
instead i wait
so carefully ......
each word i speak
is metered out
scrupulously weighed pondered
afraid ...
afraid to give the wrong idea
afraid to wrong
when i don't know
what right is ... any more ...
sensing perceiving
new darkness being born in me
a growing limb which reaches out
and tries to choke my sanity
this growing limb
which starts to strangle ...
one thousand eyes
i want to leave
the hornets sting my outer shell
i want to hide my
inner me
i don't know who these voices are
that tear me here
that tear me
here.
why do you ask me
when
i do not know.
why do you taunt me
when
i can't respond.
broken trust
you who i trusted
you who i believed
was tame
(you
nice guy
no more)
you who boils below the surface
ready to spill onto my skin
and peel off
the first layer
piece by piece
raw tissue by raw tissue.
bite my flesh
you hungry dog
you savage beast
you roam
in search
of bone.
longing to
longing to touch you,
i am.
the attraction ........
your skin
your warmth
your smile.
i look into your eyes
and know ...
longing to touch me,
you are.
i see myself reflected in you
and i like it.
i want to experience
us, together...
but, my world my prison,
demands a different tune.
erected barriers remain strong,
intact dividing us .........
friends family associates strangers,
mindless blurs amidst the fog .......
they won't accept
our eyes meeting,
our souls dancing,
my heart holding you
in joyful abandon.
so that ....
longing to touch you
i silently remain.
i never told you
i haven't told you yet
how i felt that night
that night we went out to the show
and held hands and ate popcorn
and held hands
and came home after
and everything seemed so ... good and proper
and orderly ...
and we shared a glass of wine
and listened to The Traveller on the stereo
and i felt happy, content
sitting beside you on the couch
... and we began to kiss ...
and your hands began to move
and i let them,
thinking it felt good to be carressed
on my arms
my shoulders
my back
and yes, even my breasts.
i felt this was a liberty taken
yet freely given because
everything seemed so good and proper and orderly
and then
and then
your body begins to move
hard and fast
pushing against me like a steam roller on fresh blacktop
your lips the kisses
becoming a bad blur on a rainy windshield
and your hands becoming frantic
grabbing grasping tearing clutching
at my clothing my black nylons
my vulnerability
and i begin to suffocate
the plastic firm against my face
and i begin to scream inside ...
No No this is not in the plan
this is not what i want
This does not feel good to me.
but i remain voiceless
silent
a shadow
withdrawing
retreating into myself
into that safe place
where noone can hurt me
retreating into that safe place
where i cannot be touched or known ...
and i continue fighting you off
guiding your hands
back to my sanctioned territories
back to my permitted regions
and still the hands take off again
like crazed machines
me unable to contain them
pulling lifting shoving stealing
seeking flesh seeking conquest
seeking me.
and the screaming fills my head
and begins to saturate every cell every fibre ...
No. No. Why don't you stop?
Don't you know i'm not enjoying this?
I'm hating it! This horrible assault!
I'm hating it! I'm hating ... you.
and the incessant screaming
finally births a word
out of my deepest well
my deepest desire for self protection
and the word is no.
and it is No No No NO.
but said like " no".
and you pause
you actually stop
like a hungry dog in the midst of chewing a bone
distracted by a noise nearby
you pricked your ears
raised your head
surveyed the scene
and continued ravenously on.
growling gnawing panting pawing
pushing touching pushing grabbing pushing pulling
pushing me.
you saying "i want to, too"
and me ... quietly saying "no"
and me not so quietly dying inside
filling up with more scream
and me crying to the voices within my head
why doesn't he know that
no means no?
i said no.
i meant no.
why does he hear yes?
and me
exhausted violated
so unable to understand
so unable to comprehend
the essence of this unleashed beast
so unable to assert.
and me
trespassed against
with territories no longer private
no longer secluded
and me
finally
crawling across the ring
amidst final blows
well-placed punches and tears
crawling between the ropes and out
into my corner
finally i stand
beaten,
bleeding from the outside in
i stand and say " no more".
i stand and say "goodnight"
so calmly so evenly so well.
laughing smiling joking
hiding everything behind this mask.
angry at myself for being myself
furious at you despising you
for hearing your own yeses above my spoken no's.
i never told you how i felt
that night
that second date
that night we went to the show
and only ate that half a bag of popcorn ...
Days later you referred to that night
as being so good.
And I paused and i wondered
and i pause and i wonder ...
are we on the same planet?
dirty diaper
disposable throw away me
i thought i was immune
to the pattern,
i really believed i was
indisposable to you,
i never thought that
you would throw me away ....
too.
i watched you
observed you
toss others aside,
dispose of them quickly,
coldly,
cut them off .........
and i tried to understand
to take your side
not
to judge you,
because i loved you
i thought i knew your true heart.
and now ....
it's my turn.
i never even considered that one day
it would be my turn ....
that my TIME would come
like all the others.
i can't believe my naiveté
my stupidity
my blindness.
for some senseless reason
i thought i was special.
somehow .....above it.
and now
here i am,
disposed of
thrown away...
like a fucking dirty diaper.
hourglass
waiting ...
i am a prisoner
of silence.
the hourglass
has not yet emptied.
waiting ...
angry,
the bell must sound
to end this round,
to pick you up
from the threshing floor
pieces of you
battered bruised torn.
waiting ...
to wash off the blood
dress the wounds
hold you close
take you home.
waiting ...
for you to heal.
wanting you
wanting you
beside me
every hour
every minute
every second.
reaching to touch you
and bring your body close.
having my arms
around your shoulders,
your waist,
pulling you toward me,
drawing your face
against mine...
feeling the warmth of your cheek,
your soft, soft skin.
holding your head gently
in my hand,
carressing your hair
with my fingers,
stroking you ...
breathing
your fragrance,
filling up with you,
dreaming in the moment.
drinking,
tasting your skin,
kissing, licking,
your ears your neck,
wanting to eat all of you...
to have you inside me
all the time.
wanting this encounter
to be timeless
eternal
non-ending.
wanting you wanting you wanting you.
watching
i watched for you today
on the patio with my friends,
at the picnic tables
the basic brown picnic tables,
covered in beer and fries and beer.
i watched for you
but you never came.
i thought you might
walk by or drive or bike
home from work.
the sun was out
the sky was blue
everyone was so happy...
i should have been happy
but
i was watching for you
a piece was missing.
and so we got up and
left the tables on the patio
and i got up and left
the basic brown tables on the patio.
i walked
out on the sidewalk
and checked the empty street.
you are too
deep a seal
to share.
